Fucking Hell. I was first at this shit goddamnit. Fucking first amongst my family. My friends. Your friends. That kid you think is “really good” with computers wasn’t even a wet dream and his parents weren’t even together when I first got on the internet and created my first password. Hell my first 20 fucking passwords and usernames were created before 1/2 of the world even knew what email was goddamnit.
And I didn’t learn from some amateur wanker who used the internet to fid boobies and dirty cartoons to show the rest of the dudes in the frat house spanking each other with wooden paddles for each other to do “dude stuff” with. No man I learned from a proper honest to god, too fucking smart for my godddamn school but hey he loved his girlfriend so he moved to fucking Iowa to be with her instead of going to MIT where this superhuman in a mortal’s body belonged. And yes he really did get into MIT and choose to come to the cornfields of Iowa instead and is so fucking smart it really doesn’t matter where he’d go to school he’s so goddamn smart he really didn’t need to go to college. Seriously, the one reason and one reason only he needed to be across the hall from me freshman year was so that he could meet me and I could teach him the finer points of bicycle repair and how to drink large quantities of fine beer vs the swill that afor mentioned frat kid drank while calling some dude a year older than him “dad” while getting his ass spanked over a walmart coffee table by a bunch of dudes.
No man, Computer Dave was the real deal and not only did he know everything you needed to know about the internet before web browsers were even created he taught us all how easy it was to hack the system and that you needed a bomb ass password so get good at memorizing some inconcievieveably long form gibberish to utilize as your password because fuck man one day you’re actually gonna have money to steal unlike the poor dumb college freshman you are now so consider this valuable lifeskill numero uno for your generation and all those that follow. Hell Dave even forsaw your account gettig hacked on facebook and people using your bullshit 4000 followers as bait for next level spam which in reality is just a metaphor for how useless and pointless your impact on the world will be one day that the only reason anyone will hack your sorry ass is to get people to click on stupid youtube videos and steal other passwords so they can do the same damn thing to your worthless friends list of underachiever's and human drone’s of low mass destruction.
No shit. He fucking did and I’m forever a better person because of it and don’t you ever forget it. Fuck it lets face it you already did all 5 of you that will read this rant and if I’m lucky maybe 5 of your friends you found it funny enough to send to. Which ya know, if you are one of the people who shares this with 5 friends then well fuck you’re part of the revolution in my book. You actually managed to evolve into a human being with some semblance of individual thought thats developed enough to see past the lack of proper use of punctuation, obvious spelling mistakes, and still managed to catch the humor of whatever the fuck this rant I’m writing is.
Hmm, better call it satire and better call it literature so that
A) the morons ignore it and don’t call the police because they have nothing better to do than live vicariously through the cops and think by calling them they’re at the same level as proper law enforecement officers that fucking have to strap on a fucking bulletproof vest because some wanker thinks he’s a bad ass and does a bunch of meth and starts shooting. Yeah. Thats’ their life everyday and you’re sorry ass will call them because you don’t want to walk up to your neighobors door and talk to them face to face cause you’re afraid of some dude with arm tattoos like this is the 1970s when no one had tattoos but the Hell’s Angels and other bad mofos.
B)There is a better chance of someone thinking all of this is funny enough that I deserve to get a big check so that I may be inspired to injest large quantities of booze and drugs and think I’m fucking Hemmingway or Hunter S Thompsn for a few weeks only to miss my deadlines and put out some heavily edited milquetoast of a book that a few 1000 folks buy and another few thousand use while standing on a soapbox and claiming I’m the anti christ as they scream to their mindless followers (who will call home and call the cops on their neighbors because they heard bad words in the lyrics of their music) what a horrible piece of shit my resulting book is as they toss it in the fire.
Now of course the good news is folks the cops don’t have time to tell me to turn my fucking music down and these assholes burning books are exactly the target market I’ll need to focus on to sell a bunch of books out of the gate and get on CNN for it where I can sit there in front of who knows what flunky who for some goddamn self absorbed mommy didn’t love me reason for wanting to be an anchor on any of these shit news shows every day and tell them a few more lines of bullshit to get their followers offended and talking about my shit book I wrote in two weeks blasted out of mine mind and how horrible it is at the dinner table so little Tommy and Susie look at each other and say “fuck this book has to be amazing if my uptight parents who hate their goddamn jobs and just watch TV from the time they eat until the time they go to bed hate this”. They they go buy it and show their friends under the bleachers this “book” thing they got and how boring as dead inside parents hate it and maybe just maybe these kids will say fuck that shit and save their pennies so they can leave the country the day they turn 18 and see what the world is really like.
That would be beautiful. Fucking beautiful. And I still don’t know what I changed my fucking password to on Twitter and ya know I fucking don’t care to get a reminder of what it may be.